Joy, Suffering + Dialectics
“You are the first person to give me permission to experience joy.” The sentence still evokes a feeling of sadness in me, although I heard it years ago. I was in a training given by Alan Fruzzetti on Fear, the comment coming from a mom who was in attendance. A rush of sadness came over me upon hearing those words. I, too, had been grappling with this concept. I had spent the summer juggling caring for a mother whose health was declining, four children and a full-time job. I had declined invitations to visit with a friend that summer (who happens to be a meditation teacher) and he had said to me, “you know, Christine, joy and suffering can co-exist”, I was not convinced. After that training, I felt a strong desire to understand joy and suffering.
The answer was right in front of me, in the understanding of dialectics. Dialectics in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is the idea that two opposing things can be true at the same time. The goal of DBT is to help people find the truth on all sides and accept each moment for what it is.
What I have learned is that joy and suffering aren’t mutually exclusive; they are actually connected. Brené Brown said in a 2010 TED Talk, “you cannot numb pain without also numbing joy.” It is a harsh reality to face, but we cannot know joy unless we embrace and allow ourselves to feel pain.
As Thich Nhat Hanh states in his book, No Mud, No Lotus, “we need to have mud for lotuses to grow. The mud doesn’t smell so good, but the lotus flower smells very good. If you don’t have the mud, the lotus will not manifest.”
Once we understand that life is always a mixture of happiness and suffering and that no one is immune from pain, we can practice skills to nurture happiness and joy.
Change is the only constant: Dialectics help us radically accept the changes that are continually occurring. This helps us become more flexible. This makes it easier for us to go with the flow, which in turn makes joyful experiences more likely. We better our ability to experience joy simply from our knowledge and ability to let go. Our ability to accept our feelings and nurture them, helps us from being overwhelmed by them. This takes a lot of courage sometimes, and with that courage comes a deep sense of peace and happiness.
Inviting positive seeds through mindfulness of current thoughts and opposite action: Thich Nhat Hahn states that we each have many kinds of “seeds” lying deep within our consciousness. Those we water are the ones that sprout, coming into our awareness, and manifesting outwardly. When we are able to pay attention to where our thoughts are, we then have the ability to invite a seed of the opposite nature. Through dialectical thinking, we know that nothing exists without an opposite. Where there is a seed of anger, there is a seed of loving kindness. By inviting that kindness in, and practicing with intention, the anger goes down.
Mindfulness based joy: Mindfulness can be used to bring an awareness to the things in our life that bring us joy, including our breath, the fact that in this moment we are alive. If this is difficult, we can be mindful of things in our life that we find soothing, like a piece of art, favorite song, or a beloved pet.
If you are someone experiencing doubt about joy and happiness in this moment, you have the green light to experience it. Not only is it okay to find joy, it is present, it exists. It is dialectical, and what better way to model dialectics for your loved one than through your ability to experience joy in the midst of suffering.
This was written by Christine Nolan. Christine is a staff therapist at Great Lakes Therapy Center and leads a support group for loved ones of someone who has experienced symptoms of a mental health condition. If you have gained some insight reading this, please look out for future blogs regarding skills for loved ones. If you would like more information about the support group, please reach out to Christine at christine@dbtchicago.com.
