Observing Limits: It’s a Struggle… Let’s Talk Skills!

Observing Limits, it’s a struggle, let’s talk skills

“I am the absolute worst at setting limits.” 

“How do I set limits when I am my child’s only support and she’s not stable enough to be left alone?” 

“We are trying to set boundaries with our 18 year old daughter, asking her to take ownership of her behaviors or she cannot come home.  What if she refuses?”  

If you can relate to these questions, and are in the midst of caring for a loved one who is struggling, maybe the mere suggestion of boundaries feels invalidating, invalidating of the complexities and nuance that comes with setting boundaries with someone that you love dearly, who is suffering.

I like to think of this process as a journey that involves mindfulness, intention, specific steps, and lots of DBT skills.  The steps are steps that you may turn to often as you generalize this skill.   

In DBT we conceptualize boundaries as being flexible and fluid, allowing them to shift depending on circumstances.  We call this observing limits.  An easy way to conceptualize this is to imagine a fence surrounding you.  The fence marks your property, it outlines your space clearly for others to see. The fence is approachable and allows people on both sides to communicate with one another. The fence is low enough to see over, but high enough to offer safety, and there is a gate that allows you to let people in and out.

Once we understand what observing limits looks like, we can create motivation to do this hard work.  In order to do this, I turn to Brené Brown, something called equanimity of others, and an understanding of genuine happiness.  Did you know that when Brené Brown was studying compassion, she found that the most compassionate people were the ones that exercised boundaries?  What she discovered was that boundaries are a prerequisite for empathy and compassion.  She states, “we cannot connect with someone unless we are clear about where we end and they begin”.  “If there’s no autonomy between people, there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment.”  

When I take that understanding and combine it with my knowledge about equanimity of others, I build motivation for this hard work.  In our understanding of equanimity of others, we understand that each individual’s own mental habits determine their happiness.  With that notion, we understand that we cannot shift another person’s genuine happiness.  We do not have the capability to do that.  An individual’s own happiness is dependent on their own mental habits and not on our well wishes or actions.  

Once we have developed motivation to do this, we can observe what is within our control and what is not.  

Things we can control:  values, our body, thoughts, actions, dreams, and our ambitions.  Things we cannot control:  what our loved one does, what they do not do, nor what they think of us.  The skill of radical acceptance helps us to do this..  With this awareness, we increase our ability “to stay in our lane”.  When we stay in our lane, we are our most authentic self, not caring what others think, focusing on our core values, with intention and no distraction..   

We can then turn to 5 Steps to Effectively Observe & Describe Your Limits: 

1. Observe & Describe your experience of the emotions, sensations, thoughts and urges that indicate you have found one of your limits. 

2. Identify your limits (hint: they can be found inside of you, not outside). Validate that you have limits and can express your limits. 

3. Observe when a limit is crossed (or when you over-extend to your regret). What are the typical signals in your body, your emotions, your thoughts, your urges? 

4. Do a Pros/Cons to decide whether to express your limits. You may also evaluate the relevant factors to assess how intensively you express your limit. 

5. Express your limit with skills called DEAR MAN and Validation -after having again regulated your emotion and validated your experience to increase accurate, effective expression. 

After you have completed these steps, use DBT mindfulness skills to refrain from getting attached to any outcome, remembering that limits are about our behavior and not our loved one’s.  

Observing limits  can change our lives and is a practice in loving kindness to ourselves.  Through our ability to observe limits comes compassion and understanding.  This creates an ability to see the goodness in another person and to trust that they are doing the best that they can.  

This was written by Christine Nolan.  Christine is a staff therapist at Great Lakes Therapy Center and leads a support group for loved ones of someone who has experienced symptoms of a mental health condition.  If you have gained some insight reading this, please look out for future blogs regarding skills for loved ones.  If you would like more information about the support group, Parents + Partners Align and Learn Skills (PPALS), please reach out to Christine at christine@dbtchicago.com.