Radical Acceptance in Parenting
Giving up your seat in the director’s chair, a path to acceptance
“Fear is you believing that you are in the director’s chair, the reality is that you are not.” I often reflect on John Bruna’s words to me. He is the co-founder of the Mindful Life Program and his words were in response to my inquiries regarding the worry that I engage in with regards to my own children. In sharing this with a parent that I work with, she said, so beautifully, “but you HAVE been”. Yes! Is this why acceptance is so challenging?
And the truth is that the desire to control impedes upon our ability to parent in a compassionate way and truly validate our loved one. In order to be compassionate we must first be aware of suffering, accepting of it. For parents, the suffering of a loved one will almost always trigger an experience of distress-it is no wonder that this is a challenging skill. Dismissing the suffering of a child can feel like an effective way to avoid discomfort. And in actuality, not only does co-regulation involve the acceptance of the emotional experience, the avoidance of it causes the pain that we feel to turn into added suffering.
What is the DBT skill of Radical Acceptance? Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom. We can think of this through the lense of the experience in our nervous system. Where do you feel control in your body? Is it a tightening in your shoulders? A clenched face? Is your breath shallow? Now imagine what it feels like when you are in a state of acceptance. Can you feel your body opening up? Your heart expanding? Are you breathing deeper? Which state creates closeness and connection with your loved one?
Radical Acceptance enables us to turn conflict with our loved one into closeness. We acknowledge that elements of my life are not what I planned or hoped for, and elements of my loved-one’s life are not what I planned or hoped for. This enables us to live in reality. In order to do this we need to notice the losses, and grieve the losses, fully.
Alan Fruzzetti has outlined Steps to practice Radical (True) Acceptance:
1. Start with a cue about a loss, maybe a small one.
2. Describe what you wanted and didn’t get, without judgments, “shoulds,” or “what ifs.”
3. Allow your sadness to come and go; notice the sadness as you breathe in, let it go as you breathe out – try this for a few breaths or even a few minutes – but do not get stuck in only sadness…there is more!
4. Gently and deeply, slowly, breathe in, breathe out. Allow your sadness to come and go like a wave. Allow your sadness to come up as you inhale, then allow it to go down as you exhale. Repeat for 2-3 breaths.
5. Notice that your sadness and disappointment makes sense; self-validate.
6. Soothe yourself as needed.
7. Consider seeking validation from someone else.
8. Re-engage, re-activate your life right now...do what you need to do in the present; engage in it fully, bringing your attention fully to it.
9. Repeat this whole process as needed, over time.
Becoming a parent can give us the false notion of being in the director’s chair. Our children have relied on us for safety, that was our felt sense of responsibility. So this practice for me involves frequent reminders that I am truly not in the director’s chair, which I have found generates peace in my nervous system, creates closeness in my relationships and is a truly freeing way to parent.
This was written by Christine Nolan. Christine is a staff therapist at Great Lakes Therapy Center and leads a support group for loved ones of someone who has experienced symptoms of a mental health condition. If you have gained some insight reading this, please look out for future blogs regarding skills for loved ones. If you would like more information about the support group, please reach out to Christine at christine@dbtchicago.com.
