The Boat People: Keeping the Boat Steady in the Turbulent Waters of Parenting
During the years following the Vietnam War, many Vietnamese people fled the country on overcrowded and poorly-equipped boats, trying to reach safer shores. The sea was rough, there were little supplies, and the journey was a perilous one. The boats were also vulnerable to attacks from pirates. As you can imagine, it was common for panic to spread among the passengers, which increased the danger of capsizing or losing control.
Thich Nhat Hanh talks about this journey, “if even one person on the boat could remain calm and steady, they could influence the entire group. That one calm person could help others stay level-headed, prevent chaos, and increase the chances of survival…..His or her expression – face, voice – communicates clarity and calmness. That is enough. It shows a way for everyone.”
Thich Nhat Hanh is talking about something called co-regulation; we have the ability to help our children regulate their emotions through our ability to regulate our own. I like to think of co-regulation as loaning my prefrontal cortex to my child. Our children are not able to use their prefrontal cortex (needed to engage with others, to problem solve effectively in an empathic and collaborative fashion) if they are in a state of dysregulation. Our ability to maintain a sense of inner peace and stability has a profound impact on them, in essence, offering a lifeline (our own prefrontal cortex) to our loved one.
How do we do this? This takes skills, practice and self-compassion. In DBT, we conceptualize this through the transactional model. The transactional model states that there is constant movement between two people, with each person affecting the other. It can be thought of very simply: what I say, do or how I respond impacts what you say, do and how you respond.
Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D., a renowned expert in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), calls these interactions with our loved one the "two-step dance".
He outlines the "two-step dance" for effective communication as needing two things:
Accurate Expression: One person authentically communicates their feelings, thoughts, or needs. This involves being clear and specific about one's emotions and the situations prompting them.
Validation: The other person listens attentively and acknowledges the expressed emotions without judgment. Validation conveys understanding and acceptance, fostering a supportive environment.
Once we understand how the transactional model works, we can use DBT skills to increase our ability to regulate our own emotions first. Skills such as identifying parenting values, validation, compassion-non-judgemental stance of self and others, acceptance, and understanding our emotions can help us to be more skillful in transactions with our loved ones.
By consistently practicing this "dance," we can reduce misunderstandings and mitigate emotional dysregulation and we can be the calm presence in the sea of turbulence.
This was written by Christine Nolan. Christine is a staff therapist at Great Lakes Therapy Center and leads a support group for loved ones of someone who has experienced symptoms of a mental health condition. If you have gained some insight reading this, please look out for future blogs regarding skills for loved ones. If you would like more information about the support group, Parents + Partners Align and Learn Skills (PPALS), please reach out to Christine at christine@dbtchicago.com.
