The Connection Conundrum
The Dalai Lama was once asked if he had any advice on raising children. His response, after humbly reminding the audience of his celibacy vows was this:
“But I do know something about raising children, because I was a child and I was raised by parents. And I learned that the most important thing is to love the child no matter what. The child needs to feel loved.”
Yet as any parent of a teenager knows, we are constantly put to the test in expressing love and connection to our child. Brain changes that are taking place during our teens’ lives affect how teens seek to try new things, connect with peers in new ways, feel more intense emotions, and push back on the existing ways of doing things to create new ways of being in the world. When you add to that, the additional struggles of a teen with emotion dysregulation, anxiety, an eating disorder, or addiction, maintaining connection may feel hopeless. How do we navigate these stormy waters and guide the ship?
Dialectical thinking can help us navigate the waters. Dialectical is the D in DBT Therapy. Dialectical thinking is the ability to know that two opposing views can be true at the same time. The poet Rumi says this most beautifully:
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing, there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”
As a parent, you may have a viewpoint that is true for you, while your teen has her own story and perspective. The goal is to find the middle ground of effective behavior, solve the problem, and ultimately to stay connected to our teen.
In DBT we call this “Walking the Middle Path”. This skill was specifically developed for teens and their parents. It is used to bridge the communication between teens and their parents, and to help maintain relationships during the challenging time of parenting a teen. This is done in DBT through an understanding of dialectics, validation, and strategies to change behavior.
Through an understanding of dialectics we learn that there is more than one way to see a situation or to solve a problem. We learn to express to our teens that they are good enough, we love them, we understand where they are coming from AND we want to help them change, become better and learn healthy behaviors.
Through these skills we learn to walk the middle path, to find the field to lay our soul down in grass, where we think beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing. Through these efforts we reap the benefits of a connected relationship with our teen. Sounds so lovely, right?
It sounds lovely, and also requires hard work. In the end, we must remember that
we are all doing the best we can, in the context of our lives,
both parents and teens. This is the first philosophical position of DBT, and a most important one to never lose sight of.
This was written by Christine Nolan. Christine is a staff therapist at Great Lakes Therapy Center and leads a support group for loved ones of someone who has experienced symptoms of a mental health condition. If you have gained some insight reading this, please look out for future blogs regarding skills for loved ones. If you would like more information about the support group, Parents + Partners Align and Learn Skills (PPASL), please reach out to Christine at christine@dbtchicago.com.
